Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
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