you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
