Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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