don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
