i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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