hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
