i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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