You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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