just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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