When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
