I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
