Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
