I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
