I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
