i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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