Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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