That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize