I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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