New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
