I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize