just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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