went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
