i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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