we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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