How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
