You really coming over, don't trick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
