That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
