Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
