My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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