the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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