I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Houston, we have a blender
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
BRING THE BAGELS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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