ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
