when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
