Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
