She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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