So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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