this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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