1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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