I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
