i wish my penis had a tongue
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
