running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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