there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Did I show you my penis last night?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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