dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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