girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
