Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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