You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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