Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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