I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
