why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
