why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
