my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Two words: blizzard sex
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
