Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
