I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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