pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
