Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
