On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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