God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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