His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
