i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
